Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
