I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
