Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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