Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
