dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize