you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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