Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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