Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
