The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
