im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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