I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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