She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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