He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
