I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
