Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
