Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
