Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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