i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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