I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
