last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
