Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
