he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
