I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
