If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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