I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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