a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
