you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
