We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
