Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
