It's like God shit irony all over that family
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
