Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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