Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
