Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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