he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
