I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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