I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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