So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
