i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
