dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize