last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
