I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
