my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
