guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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