proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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