When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
