Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
