but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i out mim tonsoeep
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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