Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
