I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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