How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize