Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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