if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
