Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
