Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So gin and wine won't be happening again
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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