Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
