Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
