all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
